The Adventures of Superglue Man
by Latressa
Summary: He's not super man, he's super glue man, whether he wants to be or not.
1. I'm rubber you're glue

**The Adventures of Super-Glue Man**

**Chapter One**

**"I'm rubber you're glue; wait a minute I'm glue"**

**Hi my name is Dexter Bond but you probably know me better as "Super-Glue Man".**

**Well, I haven't always been a semi-super hero, I used to be normal, well normal is stretching it, to tell you the truth I was a DORK. I wasn't very popular, or liked very much.**

**It all started about two years ago, I had just gotten off of work and I got home, checked the messages and "Big Surprise" no messages. But, I did get something in the mail, it was an invitation to a bachelor party of some guy I'd never heard of, I was so desperate for human contact that I went, not exactly knowing just what to expect.**

**All I remember is walking into the bar and getting caught up in a congo line, the party was mainly a blur, drinks, dancing, three or four cakes popping open to reveal naked girls. But, I do remember drinking a lot, and I must have drunken some wierd stuff because everyone started to laugh at me.**

**I somehow got home (probably got a cab) and went to bed. That's when things got interesting.**

**The next morning my alarm went off and I slapped feebly at it, I must have knocked it off of the counter, somehow. Well, anyways I was awake. I tried to open my eyes but they wouldn't open, Duh my face was slammed into the pillow, I pulled my head up and tried opening my eyes again, no luck. I then grabbed at the pillow hanging from my face and pulled with all my strength, (being hung-over I thought that was what it needed) RRRRRIIIIPPPPP!!!! the pillow got off of my face, well , most of it anyway. I tried opening my eyes but everytime I did they opened kind of funny, I felt my eyelids and there was cloth from the pillow stuck to them, I pulled as hard as I could and finally ripped the cloth off leaving terrible searing pain. AAAAAUUUUGGGHH!!! along with the cloth I ripped off most of my eyelashes. **

**"Oh man that's gonna leave dexter."**

**I got up and tried to wander to the bathroom only problem was my blanket had attached itself to my feet and most of my legs. When I got up, I fell on the hard wood floor; which of course I got stuck to. After tearing my blanket to tiny bits of cloth and finally standing up I once again tried to walk to the bathroom ( by now I was completely confused but totally awake and sober ) my feet wouldn't move. The bathroom seemed a thousand miles away, I strained extremely hard and tore at the floor with amazing strength, I only lost a couple layers of skin on the floor.**

**Finally I was in the bathroom ( the final frontier, "not"). I shut the door and accidentally ripped the doorknob from the socket. I threw it down with amazing ease, "Yes I'm normal again!!" I screamed excitedly and jumped into the air to touch the ceiling, worst mistake I've ever made. I stuck to the ceiling and not only that, I really had to go to the bathroom and I'm afraid of hieghts, Long story short I peed my pants. After releiving myself, I somehow managed to fall, ripping big chunks out of the ceiling, (my landlord is going to roast me alive). I knew I had to get ready for work, I picked up my razor and got agonizingly close to my face when I decided I'd use the electric razor today. Too late I was stuck to the handle of the straight razor. Lucky for me it has interchangable heads, I popped the head off the razor and to my surprise it didn't stick to me. (whew) **

**I shaved as best I could with a handle stuck to my hand and tried to brush my teeth, and... you guessed it, I now had the tooth brush stuck to my hand. Let's look at the scene, a grown man wearing his boxers, standing in a puddle of his own pee with ceiling chunks on the gorund, a razor handle in one hand, and a toothbrush in the other with toothpaste all over his face. I pulled the objects from my hands as best I could and they came free with only a minimal amount of pain. I walked downstairs to call in sick for work, (I'd had it) I was ready to call my psychologist to tell him I needed some medication.**

**I picked up the phone and heard the usual voice."This is Syntax Unlimited, how may I direct your call?" "Uh, yeah this is Dexter Bond, My ID number is 4583I work on the 5th floor in programming and I'd like to talk to Mr. Glick ( we all called him "Glitch") " Hold on jeeust a moment and I'll put yeeeoo through." she had an amazingly annoying voice.**

**"Hello this is Harold Glick How may I help you?" "This is, um, Dexter I'm not going to be able to come into work today I'm feeling sort of strange, I'm going to see my doctor and have a check-up." "WHAT!!! Bond if you're not in this office in one half-hour you can kiss your cubicle goodbye!" "Well, since you put it that way, sir, I'll come in, okay." "Click" After hearing about twenty seconds of dial-tone I tried to hang up and walk away but the the receiver had somehow got attached to the back of my hand as adversely rather than the palm which was actually touching the phone. I decided not to mess with it I unplugged the phone cord and went to put on some clothes. Everything thing went pretty smooth except for getting my shirt on which hung onto the phone receiver and upon further inspection hung on the desk lamp that was stuck to my back. I managed to get the lamp off and the receiver fell off in the kitchen. "wierd" I said but thought nothing of it. I was elated that I wasn't sticking to stuff but still wary. ( remember the bathroom ceiling? I do.) Driving to work went fine, didn't stick to much, you know the stereo button, the doorhandle, but they came off pretty easily, that is until i got into the parking lot, someone took my personal parking space, and I got mad at them. I turned around to get another space but was cut off by a truck, I was stuck between a truck and a wall, I just pushed the brake pedal and put it into park and tried to get out. BOTH HANDS were stuck to the steering wheel," aw Dangitt" I pulled as hard as I could and ripped the wheel from its home and tried to open the door with it on my hands, I broke the window, handle, interior fake leather, and a button of my sleeve, but finally I was out of the car, still with the steering column, but I was walking.**

**I kicked at the column with my foot and it fell to the ground, I walked into the store with confidence, that is until I was dragged back out by the momentum of the revolving door to which I was attached. I walked with the door and I tried to jump when it was pointing inside, I jumped but my hands were still stuck, I got stuck in between the door and the wall," AAAAAAUUUUGGGHHH" A security guard noticed my distress, and turned his back, then his partner came and tried to pull me out. I got stuck to him but since he was pulling harder than the door, I got unstuck from the door, but still attached to the rent-a-cop, he tried to pull free but instead pulled my shirt off.**

**After an hour of explaining that I hadn't purposefully tried to get my shirt off, they let me into my cubicle( I had gotten my shirt back) I walked into the office and was confronted my "Glitch" my boss, " Bond You're late!!" " Sorry, sir. Ask the security guards they'll tell you why." "All right but don't let it happen again." Under his breath I heard him say, "Useless Dweeb" It really hurt, but I shrugged it off without minding much. I sat down in my cubicle and turned on my computer, I immediately began typing, (I'm a killer typist, 120 wpm) When I started really cutting loose my fingers stopped suddenly and I remembered all the problems I had that morning, my fingers were stuck to the keys, " Aw Crap!" I pulled as hard as I could and I got the letters A-S-D-F & J-K-L-P stuck to various fingers and the space bar stuck to my thumbs.**

**I wiggled my fingers and the space bar fell off but all of the other buttons stayed in place, I picked up the phone to call my boss, but when I pushed the buttons the keyboard keys got in the way, I accidentally called a multi-species phone-sex corporation. "MOOO!! a sensual voice came on and said, " What species would you like to hear?" I hung the phone up and tried calling it again, I finally pushed the right buttons (a half-hour later and a few hairs shorter). A familiar voice picked up, "How may I direct your call?" "Hi, this is Dexter, may I talk to Mr. Glick?" "Seeorry, sir, but Mr. Glick is out to lunch.""Oh well when he gets back in tell him that Dexter Bond is going to see his psychologist and that he can't really fire me because I have a personal disability at the current time and that is considered discrimination."**


	2. This is your brain on Frued

**Chapter 2**

**" This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs, **

**and this is your brain deep-Freud."**

**I hailed a cab (my car was undrivable) and went to the office of Dr. Leonard Freud, (my personal Psychologist, I had shyness and depression problems). After fifteen minutes of paying for not only my cab ride, but also the inside and outside door handles of said cab, I got into Dr. Freud's office. "Weelcome to Dawkter Froyds awffiss, do yeeoou have an appointment?" The receptionist said. (are all receptionists trained to be this annoying?) " No I don't have an appointment, but I'm feeling very distraught and I think I need some medication." " Well Soin this sheet and go sit over there." I signed the walk-in sheet and waited for an opening in the Dr.'s schedule. I sat down in the vinyl chairs and put magazines on the arms of the chairs so MY arms wouldn't stick to them. **

**I had an interesting conversation with a schizophrenic arson drug-addict on the meaning of life and why they make 8-packs of hot dogs but only 6-packs of hot dog buns. Finally the receptionist said "Meester Bond?" The Dawkter has an opening and he's ready to see you now." " Thank you" I said as I moved very quickly towards the door, almost knocking down the young lady who had just been in a session. " Sorry, I'm just in a little bit of a hurry to see Dr. Freud, did I hurt you at all?", I said meekly. "No, just surprised me a little, I mean you don't expect people to come rushing at you everytime you come through a door, if I did I'd start wearing a football helmet and pay more into my life insurance." ( she had a beautiful voice) We both laughed ( her laugh was even better than her voice ) and for a minute I thought I saw her looking at my eyes, when suddenly I heard a very annoying voice say, " Meester Bond the Dawk don't got all day, get a move on!" After that the girl walked away to get her green hooded jacket and leave, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her until she was out of sight. (ahhh, I could have watched her laugh all day.) I walked into the office of Doctor Leonard Freud, Psychiatrist and personal mental healer. A long time after I had completed the retelling of this mornings events and of my thoughts and theories Dr. Frued finally responded. "Hmmm... Very interesting story Mr. Bond, but if I were to believe that your personal gravitational field had increased, wouldn't I be pulled towards you too?"Dr. Freud said accusingly. " Well, I hadn't gotten that far in my theories." I meekly replied ." Perhaps this "sticking" as you call it, is all a paranoid delusion that you're creating because you have a lack of emotional support from a significant other?" "No, I know it's true, here watch." I attempted to make a pen that was on the table sick to my hand, but it just rolled onto the floor. "WHAT???" I screamed, yelling directly at the pen, after I picked it up. " After all the trouble I had this morning, I can't get a stupid pen to stick to my hand???" Dr. Frued took the pen from my hand, and it came free with ease. " Mr. Bond, or can I call you Dexter?" " You can call me Dexter." "Well Dexter, since you do believe that you're "sticking" to things, my personal opinion is that this is in fact a delusional paranoid reaction to the stress in your everyday life, I prescribe that you take some vacation time off of work, go out and have some fun, even if it's just sleeping and relaxing, go out and try not to stress over anything." Dr. Frued said. "Thank you I will, uhm, do you think that maybe a slight sedative would help me, even a little?" I whined. "No, I think that would be detrimental to your mental stability." " Uh, okay, thanks Doc." I left his office and went to hail a cab, when I heard a woman cry, "Stop, thief!!! Please someone!!! Stop that maaaan!!!" That's a normal thing in New York, so It didn't register with me, also, it sounded pretty far away and there was no way that I could have helped. I had just raised my hand to hail a cab, when this man slammed right into me. We both fell over and he punched me. Now, I'm not a natural fighter, but that really ticked me off, here I was hailing a cab, after going to see my therapist about stress issues and this guy not only bumps into me, but also has the nerve to punch me too. I swung and missed him, but I seemed to have grazed the purse he was clutching. By that time the woman, that the purse belonged to, was well on her way of getting to the scene. ( a crowd had gathered) The guy saw her and tried to run away but his hand was stuck to the ground. The woman pushed through and hit the guy with her grocery bag. BAM!!!! (now that's got to hurt.) POW!!! (that one's gonna leave a dexter) SPLAT!!! ( eeeeeewwwww) The guy was out cold, she must have gotten her groceries at a hardware store. I showed her that I had her purse and she came over to get it, but it wouldn't let go. She started tugging really hard and it eventually ripped free of my palm. After that she glared at me with a look that could turn men to stone. " Thanks for the appreciation, lady. It was nothing, really." I yelled sarcastically as the woman gimped away. ( she had a limp and a club foot, she walked like a penguin.)After a while the cops showed up and pulled the guy up from the ground. (Magically, the man wasn't attached to the concrete anymore.) They asked me a few questions and then they toted the guy away. I didn't tell them about the whole sticking to the ground thing. (since they didn't ask.) **

**Four hours later and in a different, motionless part of the city, I once again hailed a cab to go home. I waited a while. ( It felt like an eternity, but it was probably only ten minutes.) Then I saw a girl wearing a green hooded jacket coming down the sidewalk in my direction. I tried to look as manly as possible, while holding my hand in the air, when no cabs are coming by. She came within a couple of feet of me and she sighed. I thought it was the most beautiful sound in the world, second to that laugh, Waitaminnit! "Hi", I squeaked as burley as I could. She jumped at first and then she stopped and looked at me for a second. " Do I know you?", she said. "Yeah, I'm Dexter I bumped into you at the doctors office?" I stammered. "Oh, okay I remember you now." ( she remembered me!!) "Sorry for not introducing myself before, I'm Valerie Kyner, I was just going home." "Can I walk you home?" I said it like a kid wanting to open a birthday gift. She responded hesitantly, "Well, I don't really know you all that well and I did meet you in a psychologists' office, but you've got a goodwill aura around you, I'll tell you what, you can walk me home _if _and only _if _, you don't stand like that ever again, deal?" "Deal." We walked for a while, we talked about various things; books, music, movies that sort of thing, that's when she asked me why I had been to Dr. Frued's office. "Well, I've been stressed lately and the Doc said that I was having paranoid delusional hallucinations, so he told me to get some relaxation." I said, "Why were you there?" "Funny enough as it sounds I was there for almost the same reason, but it wasn't hallucinations, I have bipolar syndrome and anxiety disorder." "Really, I have anxiety disorder too.", I interjected. "Then why did you say hi to me?", She asked silently. "I remembered your voice and I wanted to hear it again." "I guess I wasn't worried if you'd talk to me, I was more worried you wouldn't remember me.", I was shaking. "Well, this is my building."she said suddenly. "Really, I was hoping we could walk some more.", I said. "I'd like to but, I have work in the morning, maybe we can do something later?", she said, almost fearful. "Yes!!", I said exuberantly. After she said bye, i took up a new post to hailing a cab, making sure I was in a different position. Finally, a ratty brownish cab came. ( This thing was nasty) I wanted to get home so bad that I didn't care how I'd get there. ( My mistake) I got in and after ten minutes of telling this guy the route and address we finally got going. The cabbie was from some country I've never heard of , or he wasn't saying the name clearly enough. I tried not to touch anything in the cab, I would have stuck even if _I_ wasn't sticky, that place was gross. ( The cabbie didn't, needless to say, get a very good tip.) After I got out I made sure to close the door with my elbow. I was home at last, and man, was I tired. **


End file.
